Close your eyes and imagine your favourite destination. A place you dream of to relax, unwind, nourish your soul and body – perhaps a bottle of wine at dinner, some Caribbean karaoke and a trip to the spa wrapped in a snuggly robe for a rub down with oils smelling of candy floss. Now swap the bar for a medi-spa, the margarita for digestive tea, the karaoke for exquisite piano playing in the lobby and the massage for: natural healing energy and advanced medicine, psychoneuroimmunology and chronomedicine… Confused? Don’t be.

Germany’s most innovative and modern health resort, Lanserhof Tegernsee, is the new sought after getaway. Traditionally, detox spa’s have offered you a healthier, lighter you; in a clinical environment in return for your hard-earned cash and hardened dedication. However, Lanserhof Tegernsee is the new kid on the block when it comes to super-plush-digestive-health-clinics. The wooden structure lies in an untouched patch of paradise in the Bavarian hills. Armies of trees form the surrounding vista, which stretches as far as the eye can see. Any fear I had of spending a week in a cold clinical medical environment were suitably squashed – thanks to German architect Christoph Ingenhoven – who has made sure that every aesthetic detail has been thought of, ironed out and attended to.

The hotel itself (if you could call it a hotel) is a 5-star, state-of-the-art medical spa and sanctuary; beautifully crafted from glass, stone and wood, all wrapped around a central courtyard. It boasts 70 gigantic guest rooms each with: vast terraced balcony, floor to ceiling doors and gargantuan sized cozy beds (which is a good thing, since you will be spending a lot of time here). Some of the suites even come with their own fireplace and sauna. Yes I said sauna… there is no escaping the detox here.

The vast, pure white spa is equally impressive boasting long white corridors, high ceilings and hushed voices (have I reached the gates of detox heaven?). Yet rather than feeling medicinal, clinical and soulless, there is a sense of comfort from the warm staff which is a good thing because at Lanserhof, you have to surrender fully to the professionals mind, body and soul.

2014006 Lanserhof
At the start of your stay, you are designated your own private doctor. After some physical probing, blood tests and urine sample submissions, you will most likely be informed that there are a good number of substances either lacking from or overloading your body. Once and for all, you can answer the gluten, dairy, wheat, yeast or sugar intolerant questions via specific tests. Your doctor will then prescribe and plan your week for you, including the food you will (or won’t) be eating.

The LANS Concept is based on the extensive knowledge gained by Dr. F.X. Mayr who believed, quite rightly, that good digestion is the holy grail and good health and healthy nutrition are the key to preventing illness, obesity and disease. In a nutshell, if your gut isn’t healthy, you’re in for it. The LANS concept program is hailed for its life changing effects on health and treating ailments. There is a distinct combination of focusing on a clean colon, alongside some preventative medicine. The key pillars here are: protection, training, cleansing, exercise and substitution, which they believe restores the ecological balance of the intestinal flora.

The treatment menu is of biblical proportions boasting everything from food intolerance, intravenous mineral and vitamin drips to gene testing. You can even swallow a “pillcam”, which records a movie of your intestines. Take THAT Snapchat.

De-stressing the mind and body is of the utmost importance and so hypnosis sessions are on offer, as well as interval hypoxic-hyperoxic therapy, which can help your body recover from stress. Diagnostics and therapy through natural and energy healing are key, offering things like colonoscopies and mud baths which heat up and draw out toxins in your body and help your body to re-heal itself. You will walk out feeling like an X-Man, with new regenerative superpowers you didn’t know you had.

2014006 Lanserhof

Each morning starts with the famous detox regime – the daily Epsom salt concoction to cleanse your system, keeping close to the lavatory is wise. Even though overall you eat much less than usual, breakfast and lunch are pretty weighty. You can only eat what you are allowed, but on the Detox basic menu that can include things like clear soup; sheep yogurt; organic vegetables; quinoa porridge with lactose free milk supplements or buckwheat and potato pizza with vegetables and mozzarella for lunch. The Lanserhof energy cuisine is easily digestible, allergen free and is made bespoke to your body’s needs. Not to mention how delicious it is! Every dish is full of antioxidants, vitamins and trace elements.

By the end of your stay, you will have learned the art of mastication, chewing every morsel 40 times, and thereby ensuring that your food has been broken down in your mouth rather than expecting your delicate digestive system to do the donkey work. This has a powerful effect and you will find yourself remarkably full. Water is forbidden immediately before, during and after meals, to ensure you don’t dilute your digestive juices.

The restaurant is a calm environment and overlooks the beautiful surroundings, encouraging you to chew your food rather than check your phone. It is clear after a couple of days that weight loss is a side effect of this healthy regime, but you can also opt for the ‘Active Menu’, if you are just here for a healthy break and not to lose weight.

Days are skilfully scheduled and you’ll busy from one relaxing treatment to the next. Nevertheless, you will still find plenty of time to recline by the outdoor heated pool, work up a sweat in the fully equipped gym and broaden your horizons in the many classes (from Latin dance to cookery) and lectures.

Now close your eyes and imagine your favourite destination. And I guarantee Lanserhof will spring to mind.